zodiacsociety:

Submission.

zodiacsociety:

Submission.

Hello, I’d like to love you.

I think I lost myself for a while. I turned inward, and not in a good way; it wasn’t to find myself, and it wasn’t even on purpose. Since this turn, life has been so stagnant. Life has just been a linear line of sameness— very few up’s, and down’s that lack importance. I haven’t learned anything new about myself, I haven’t really enjoyed much about life (aside from small things that most people would find insignificant, which I do take pride in being able to do), and I let the things I love fade into the background.

But I feel like, and I’m hoping, that this is changing. I want writing to be a part of my life again. It’s been a part of me for as long as I can remember and yet I haven’t even been writing out something as simple as blog posts to my fullest capacity. I guess part of it is my insecurities and fear of being judged, because obviously people will criticize what I write no matter what. And I also worry that people will think I’m pretentious or hipster-y or an immature girl who hasn’t truly grown out of her teens when I write these posts, or if I were to post a poem or a short story. I can’t count on every bone in my body the amount of times I have heard someone relate poetry to angsty teenagers, especially if they are poems dealing with love or depression. But, let’s face it, that is what some of the best poetry in the world is about.

That wasn’t the point, though. Finally my major is back to English and it feels right. I want to start devouring books again. I want to start writing again and I want to do it without any fear. And more than that I just want to be myself again. 

It’s kind of ridiculous how nervous I am about being on campus tomorrow. I’m worried my scheduling won’t go as planned or something will go wrong and I’ll have to sit out another semester, or I’ll somehow miss my advisor’s office hours. And then there is seeing friends I haven’t spoken to in ages, and people who aren’t quite friends who I know won’t be happy to see me.

I think I need to start taking my meds again, because they also helped lessen my anxiety.